| Eat Sh*t and Die-et | |
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The new "shatkins" diet has been sweeping the nation. The controversial new diet consists solely of rodent effluent. The diet, developed in Hungary by the discredited scientist Dr. Shatkin is thought to control weight by inducing stomach tremors. These tremors manifest themselves in the form of bottom burps leading to a strong sense of bowel evacuation, rendering the dietee the princely sum of 1 turd lighter then before.
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'Arse extrude' The turd is a unit of weight defined by the sloppy Doctor himself, he claims it is can be up to 200% safer than the kilogram. The controversial diet also causes the fatty to spew up through its face hole making any nearby passer by distressed and unwilling to cook food for the chubster. |
A 'sh*t-guzzler' scoffing down
a steaming fresh kak-cake
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| Results | |
| Despite the radical and seemingly stupid side effects, the diet has been a success in many states in the U.S. with an almost 100% success rate and the number of people classed as obese dropping to record lows, while the number of people classed as dead have increased at the exact same rate. | 
Things happen in your life
that you can't explain  Dean Flowers Felch-miner |
| Chaotic scenes | |
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Agony aunt Claire Rainer was among those supporting the diet, saying she had made a rather big mess earlier this week and was planning to gorge herself on it tomorrow. She told the BBC: "If you leave people alone to diet with dignity you are not the cause of their death but you are allowing them to say 'I would like to die thin please'." |
HAVE YOUR SAY
You should
have the right to diet with dignity Mike, Gorseinon
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The Commons debate saw MPs complain of a "Sham to rival the inception of the New Testament" as Constitutional Affairs Minister David Lamby faced a barrage of calls to show them the brown. Amid rowdy scenes, Mr Lamby was eventually handed a rat and told to "eat that you tw*t". He argued the government did not want to change the diet but to strengthen it. "Doctors are saying they want more clarity," said Mr Lamby. "Patients are saying they want more clarity." BBC political editor Andrew Marred said after the chaotic scenes in the Commons, Mr Lamby was "waste deep in rat-waste and sinking fast". "They've got the diet through, it now goes to the Lords but it goes to the Lords after a hard and inglorious afternoon." |
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