E'QUIM'ENT:
Ergonomical Footwear
 |
These 'ankle huggers' are made of inverted Teflon and come with a built in traction control as standard. 0-60 in how ever fast you can run. Shoooo-ey! |
Fall Arrest System
 |
Some cynics have identified this to be a simple luggage strap....honestly.....eh....it is infact a massively expensive prototype for a NASA Astronaut bungee incorporating the material Mithril in its composition. |
Denim-effect DuraTec Rock Retardent Leg Sheathes
 |
Next generation kevlar-pube interwoven mesh prestained trou, with built in anti-anal-rock-shock-encasing, aka AARSE. With extra water retention feature fitted as standard. |
Survival Gear Envelopment Apparatus
 |
Ultra-lite expansion-compression coefficient withholders, incorporating overshoulder antigravity harness (straps). Developed for maximum containment with minimum volume, exploiting tardis technology. |
TECHNIQUES:
Timing Ones
 |
The monketeer waits patiently for the opportune time to scurry across a once water filled crevasse before the enraged tidal fury gathers its full force, crashing down and immersing the labyrinth of rocks. If their timing is all out of goose the monketeer will be left wet, cold and possibly not alive. |
Monkey Shuffle
 |
The monkey deploys on a continuos passage, passing hand over hand until a safe haven has been reached. The discipline requires a frantic display of agility and fear, to travel from A to B without plunging to their doom, but sometimes a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do! |
Monkey Jump
 |
When an opportune chasm presents itself the experienced monketeer may display their courage/ignorance by jumping from rock to rock face, hoping that they will have the ability to adhere to the rock when they land. Failing to do so will result in both emotional and physical pain, as Steve found out! |
Pot Holing
 |
We like the rocks so much, that sometimes we climb 'inside' them. Very rarely, a vast gaping hole will present itself, drawing our gaze, encouraging us to ferret around within its curvaceous gash. Of course we're talking about pot holes and caves within the rocks. |
Submerged Stepping Stones
 |
On occasion the forward route will be hydro-submersively disguised, the chosen route will involve leaping, blindly, from a submerged stepping stone to what you hope will be the next stepping stone. Many rocks will play mind tricks on you and while in mid air, staring down at what looked like a rock, you will infact realise that it was either a). a shadow, or b). seaweed. Hence falling eye-first into the sea. If at that point it was just sea, that'd be fine, but 76% of the time, the rock will appear, tearing shreds of flesh from your shivering, pre-bloodspewing limbs and face. |
Angelico Vertigo
 |
Something which is frowned upon by all of the monkey clan, is increasing altitude to overcome a difficult climbing environment. Some monkeys suffer from the angelico vertigo syndrome, where by the urge to ascend is so great, that they climb to great heights in a panic to evade the low level danger. A similar response can be observed in people who are afraid of Jim's beard.. |
Prostrate Traversion
 |
This is a new move for traversing a crack and/or gash. If the monketeer can position his/her/itself such that their groin is perpendicular to the ground. Hmmm, does that explain.....your silence indicates yes...OK, so if your following this guide you will be on the rock. Now you need to shuffle to the end of the gape. We find a mix of cat pawing, works best; almost kneading the rock with the hands. As for the feet, these need to tentatively tickle the arse end of the crack, in a rhythmic fashion, increasing the trot-rate as you advance. |
Please note: The equipment and techniques you see on this page aren't the best, we've almost died using them, but what the hell give 'em a go!.
Version: 1.0 (July 27, 2005)
